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A Step-Dad's Nightmare, "You're Not My Dad!" - Now What?

By: Dr. Noel Swanson

Q. "Five years ago my son's father left us. I am now remarried to a great guy named David. He has tried his best to be friends with Nathan, and I take care of the discipline. We've been married for three years and Nathan won't do anything his step-father asks of him. How can I change this?"

A. Children often feel at fault when their parents divorce, even though the problems are with the adults. Nathan most likely sees the situation as his dad leaving him, rather than you. If his dad doesn't visit, or is sporadic about it, this will only reinforce Nathan's belief. He feels abandoned, guilty and also angry. His biggest fear is probably that you will leave him too.

This being the case, the fact that you have now brought in another man presents a couple of problems. First, it dashes hopes that one day Mum and Dad might get back together again. Secondly, it means that someone else is stealing all that attention that Nathan had been getting from you when you were single. No wonder his nose feels out of joint!

Nathan and David may have gotten along will before you were married. He was fun then and no threat since he was just Mum's boyfriend. Now he is an equal in the family and acts like he owns the house and has the same rights as everyone else.

Communication is the key in this situation. When David became a parent instead of just a visitor that was a lot for Nathan to absorb. You need to be open and honest with him about everything. Schedule talk time for everyone. You and Nathan should talk, then Nathan and David, and finally all three of you. If you have other children, include them as well.

Acknowledge Nathan's confusion, anger and resentment. Make it clear, also, that David is not taking Dad's place, and never will. It is all right for Nathan to love and miss his father - even if you don't! Try to remain matter-of-fact about the separation, and keep the children out of any ongoing battles that you are having with your ex.

Also be honest about the fact that you love David and that's why he is now a part of the family. This doesn't detract from your love for Nathan in any way. Explain that when Nathan learns to like and accept David, that won't affect his love for his dad.

Finally, you must make it clear to Nathan that David now has parental authority in your family. What David says goes. Don't let Nathan come to you trying to discount any decision David has made. If you happen to disagree with David on some issue, address it in private. It's important that you stand by him in public. Nathan has to see and hear that you and David are of one mind, and that you will always back David fully.

Article Source: http://www.simplepetcare.com/pet-articles

Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems and also writes regularly for Yes Parenting website. ~ai586
This article is available as a unique content article with free reprint rights.

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