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Does Divorce Damage Your Kids? - 10 Parenting Tips for Survival

By: Dr. Noel Swanson.

Divorce is a sad fact of life. It is not a new phenomenon - parents have been getting divorced since the day that marriage was invented; and even before that couples would unite... and part.

The very fact that two people who got together and promised to be there for each other through thick and thin have now come to this stage that they must separate is unfortunate indeed.

Divorce is always sad. That is why even the law gives time for the couple to think it over.

But, if it has happened or is going to happen, it is best to look ahead and not dwell on the past and dig old wounds. It will only make life more difficult, whereas you need all the positive energy to move on in life and make the best of a bad situation.

One thing is clear: No one wants to get divorced. But if, it happens or is going to happen, we should try to minimize its impact on all concerned, especially children.

So, for the sake of the children, here are some tips on how to minimize the impact on the kids:

1. Ideally, parents should not get divorced because children want to live with both parents in a loving and caring home. That is a responsibility you have towards them.

So, despite the fact that you may have tried hard yourself, I would advise you to try once more to rekindle the love you once had. It’s a good idea to seek help at this juncture before it is too late. For this, it is important to be honest with yourself and your counselor.

Note, this does NOT mean you should put up with an abusive relationship just to "stay together for the children". Ongoing violence, drug abuse, acrimony, etc are NOT good for children. If you really need to get out, then get out.

2. Once you have taken the decision to go in for a divorce, go about it in grown-up manner and as far as possible try to separate amicably. Discuss it and agree that under the circumstances it is best to separate. Avoid lengthy court battles and custody disputes; they will drain you out emotionally and financially. Hurt feelings will become impediments in your efforts to move on with life. You can’t begin to imagine what impact it can have on the children.

3. You might think the other person is ‘evil’, but avoid speaking against him. Children don’t like to hear anything against their parents. You need to be grown-up and honest with your children. Talk to them and answer their questions as honestly and dispassionately as you can. You also need to reassure them that you will not leave them. Usually, that is a great fear in the minds of children.

4. While it is important to be pleasant, it is not necessary to take the entire blame on yourself and make excuses for the other parent. As I have said earlier, the important thing is to be honest. If the other parent doesn’t turn up at the promised time, your child will feel hurt and perplexed. At this time, you need to attend to her rather than give justifications for his unreliable behavior. Above all, don’t let the child feel that it is her fault that he behaves the way he does or that you separated in the first place.

5. Even if you have been badly hurt or angry, you must encourage your child to keep in contact with the other parent through phone calls, letters and occasional visits. Of course, if the visits become unpleasant, you might have to stop that. Usually, children need to know that both parents can be contacted. Don’t pass on your perceptions and prejudices to your child.

6. Never send messages to the other parent through your children. If you have something to communicate, pick up the phone and say it; don’t involve your children in your fights and arguments.

7. In extreme cases you might have to take drastic steps to protect your children if the other parent is harmful or abusive to them. But make sure this perception is not coming from your own pain, guilt or jealousy.

8. Joint custody, in which the child spends three days a week in one home and 4 days in the other almost never works. Children need a consistent place to call home, not to be batted back and forth between the two places. But if the other parent really is in a better position (emotinoally, financially, whatever) to look after the kids - then for their sake permit it! (Yes, I know that is hard, but it is time to be grown-up about all of this.) Also, do not try to control the parenting style or rules that your ex uses. You look after the parenting in your house and leave them to look after the parenting in their house.

9. You may want to move on with your life and make friends. Just be sensitive about bringing your new friends home. Your children are not going to like them because they kill all hopes of their parents ever getting together again.

10. Above all, work on yourself. Learn from the experience, heal from the wounds, and by setting an example teach your children how to overcome a bad situation and turn it into a good one. If it doesn’t kill you, you will come out of it stronger. That’s the lesson your children will learn and have hope instead of despair about human relationships.

You can protect your children from the fallout of your divorce if you handle it in a mature manner. Be calm, sensible and adult about all the issues that concern your children.

Ultimately, it all boils down to being the very best parent that you can be.

Article Source: http://www.simplepetcare.com/pet-articles

Dr. Noel Swanson runs a very interesting website on child behavior, so if you could do with some tips for dealing with your children it might be worth a visit. Also find more parenting articles here.
This article is available as a unique content article with free reprint rights.

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