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Parenting Advice: Childhood Lies

By: Dr. Noel Swanson

Nothing creates adult anger like children lying. It's ironic since it's usually adults who set the child up to lie. This is how it works:

Greg's mother just found out that Greg was throwing rocks at somebody:

"Greg, what have you been doing this afternoon?" [Right, I'm going to confess to something that you don't know.]

"What do you mean? I haven't been doing anything", he replies looking innocent but confused.

"Did you throw stones at that new girl?" [Hmm, maybe I can get away with this.]

"No", he answers incredulous that you would even suspect him.

"Interesting, since Mavis said you did."

"It had to be some other kid." [Why would she believe a neighbor over me?]

"She seems pretty sure it was you."

"She's wrong! It wasn't me!"

Mum's first mistake was to offer him a way out, and then immediately corner him. Now they have to face off. Does Mum believe Mavis, or is there room for doubt? Greg does sound pretty sure of himself. Maybe it was another kid. If she lets him off now she'll have to tell him how sorry she is. If she believes he's guilty, she will have to punish him both for lying and for throwing stones.

Most children will lie to get out of trouble. Your job is to encourage them to tell the truth, not tempt them to lie more. That means that there must be some definite benefit for confessing, rather than trying to wriggle out of it. First you need to lay some foundations of truth and honesty in your home. Make sure that you, yourself, don't lie. Get into the habit of noticing and rewarding honesty and truthfulness. Talk about the value of honesty, and a good reputation. Demonstrate that honesty is a Good Thing, and that it gets rewarded.

Then, when you do suspect your children of some misdemeanor, stay calm.

If you know for sure that he is guilty, don't tempt him to lie by asking him if he did it. Give him the details that you know and punish him.

You can also ask him to tell you the truth. Here is an example that won't giver him the option to lie about it:

"Hi Greg, I was talking with Mavis this afternoon, and she told me about something that she saw. I would like to hear your version. Why don't you go away and think it over for 15 minutes. Don't forget how much we value honesty in our home."

This will give Greg a chance to think things over. He can dig a bigger hole for himself, or he can be honest and face the consequences. If he tells you the truth, praise him for his honesty. If he chooses to lie, even after thinking about it, then you must double his punishment. He has now both lied and thrown stones at someone, and there are consequences for both.

Either way, once things have calmed down, talk about the feelings of anger, envy, or insecurity that may have led to the behaviours. Show that it is okay to have such feelings, but that feelings don't excuse bad behaviour. Be patient. Tthey won't talk until they know it is safe and that you won't "blow up" at what they say.

Article Source: http://www.simplepetcare.com/pet-articles

Dr. Noel Swanson regularly writes for Yes Parenting website and also has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems.
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