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Six Tips to Help Avoid a Fight with your Teenager

By: Dr. Noel Swanson

Your child has entered the teenage years. You enjoyed the first thirteen years of your child's life. You worried about them every day. You changed so many diapers during their early years and watched with a smile on your face as their team placed first in the sixth grade soccer championship. You guided them through the struggles in life such as bruised shins and taking their first test at school.

Those years must have been the most difficult, right? They were totally dependent upon you and that took a great deal of your energy. Shouldn't it be easier now that they are teenagers? They are more independent and don't need your help in every situation. They can also help you around the house and in the garden. They can take care of themselves if you want a night out on the town. You can converse with them about subjects you will both enjoy, right?

Then why is it that things don't turn out that way when your child goes through their teenage years? What happens? In some societies, a 13 year old would be thought of as an adult. They could work in the government and even marry. This is not so in Western society. The teen years in the Western part of the world are stricken with with conflict and struggles. Why does this happen?

Simply stated it is due to human growth and societal expectations.

The brain is intricate. It is in a great state of growth and development during the teenage years. It is always growing, expanding, evaluating, and making links. These links build the foundation for memory, learning, perception, and social rationale.

During the first twelve years the brain learns a lot - it changes the child from a non-verbal, poorly coordinated baby to a verbal, literate, sociable and pretty competent pre- teen.

Then the teenage years hit the brain like a hurricane. The brain goes into a state of chaos after which it rebuilds itself. While your brain is rebuilding itself your child might not be able to do some of the things they could before. For example, speaking to the opposite sex has suddenly become virtually impossible without becoming quite nervous. Throughout the teen years your child will need to understand the components of social interaction and how they fit into the whole social setting. They will make friends and strive to find their sexual ife partner.

But learning this stuff is difficult. The brain has to operate in these fields while, at the same time, it is re- programming itself to a much greater degree of sophistication that it had in the pre-teen years. And that is what causes such variability in their social functioning: At times they are acutely aware of social nuances. At other times they just don't seem to get it.

Add in to this a healthy dose of fluctuating sex hormones, plus some classical teenage sleep deprivation, and is it any wonder that more often than not they seem to be "loaded for bear"? Watch out, lest they bite your head off for no apparent reason!

Teens also have to deal with the different expectations placed on them now that they are teenagers. They hear every day from many sources that they "should" be doing certain things and the definitions between normal and abnormal. Expectations for how they should act during each year of their teenage experience is detailed by their parents, friends, teachers, police, and society. It can be hard for a teenager to discern exactly how they should act when they have all these people forcing their opinions on them.

This leads into the problem with forcing expectations. If you have one, then there is the possibility that your expectation will not be met. A behavior that is considered a "no-no" is turned into a big problem.

The combination of the varying expectations, sex hormones, and plain teenage angst cause your teenager to act like an angel one minute and a scounderel the next.

How do you cope with a teenager that is up and down in their emotions and actions? You can use some of these tips. When you have a fight with your teenager or you are just sick of what they are doing, take heed of the following:

1) Fighting and yelling are not effective.

2) Your teenager wants to have the best outcome as well. They are relying on the extent of their perceptions and skills which could be far different from yours.

3) It is important to note that your teenager is still trying to understand their role in life and also may not understand either why the two of you are fighting.

4) Whose problem is this? Whose agenda? What, exactly, will happen if the outcome of all of this is opposite to your desires? Does that *really* matter, in the grand scheme of things?

5) Brainstorm different ways of communicating with your teenager besides forcing them to see things your way.

6) Remember, your teenager will outgrow the teenager years eventually. Think about the future and how you will want to remember this time in your lives.

In conclusion, it is a good idea to have rules and expectations. However, relax a little. Don't be so strict that you push your teenager away. Figure out how to have fun together so you can both get through the teenage years with fun and enjoyment.

Article Source: http://www.simplepetcare.com/pet-articles

Do your children play you up? Then you should really take a look at Dr. Noel Swanson's parenting advice website, www.good-child-guide.com. He also has a free newsletter on parenting tips that is filled with great advice.

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